It is not that we as parents are neglectful or do not have our children’s best interests in mind, but clearly the way we are nurturing and raising this generation needs immediate attention and, in many cases, change. Our children’s generation is frequently referred to as “entitled” by the media and by experts dealing in parenting. The criticism of this generation is that they expect the provision of benefits without actually earning them. This “provision of benefits” is actually the “wants” not the “needs”. Needs are not even discussed these days; food, shelter and education – these are a given. Wants have become the primary focus and unhealthy obsession; iPods, cell phones, Guitar Hero, and Abercrombie and Fitch clothing – these are now expected and are considered “needs”.

Parents complain that they are at the mercy of their children and feel powerless to shut off the tap once opened. Meanwhile, this economic pacifier is by no means effective. Teenagers are actually frustrated, angry, and horribly insecure about their status while absent of a plan for their future. Our culture is overrun with material goods and a competitive need to out-purchase peers. Arguably a growing measure of success in life is based upon whether or not we are keeping up with our peer group. This is applicable to both parents and children representing a shallow, never-resolved economic treadmill difficult to get off.

The parenting section in bookstores is extensive and confusing. The Chapters website lists 6,778 books on parenting and the numbers are growing. I contend that 50% of these books repackage good old common sense that we should know by growing up in our own families (regardless of how dysfunctional we thought our own family was). The other 50% of these parenting books over-complicate very simple issues or sometimes contradict each other. The dictionary provides a clear, simplistic definition stating that “a parent is a source, origin or cause”.

A parent is our first source of contact with the world and provides safety, comfort and a base from which to develop our own identity and self worth. In terms of origin, a parent provides the environment which the child grows and learns about the world. As a cause parents are ultimately responsible for how their children will function. Parents in today’s complex and fast-paced world are struggling with their roles and often feel unsure and incompetent. Simply, our role as parents is to prepare our children to be independent and contribute positively to society.

Regardless of type of home (e.g., two parent, single parent or divorced) the danger is that the rearing of children in our society often becomes a second priority to work and career. Children feel this. They may not be able to articulate their need to spend more time with mom and dad but it shows in their behavior. Many of the teens I see in my counselling practice tell me that their parents are stressed, tired or too busy to spend time with them. The children then compensate with screen time by dialoguing on MSN or text messaging peers on cell phones (paid for by their parents) to fill this empty void. They are looking to connect and will do so outside of the home if the option does not exist within their family. Parents recognize that they are disappointing their children so resort to placebo purchases. Parents rationalize this by saying, “I work hard so my children can enjoy the things I didn’t have as a kid”. It seems like a quick fix for everyone involved. The result, however, is that no one truly feels good about themselves. We all can recognize that material purchases provide a fleeting “high” but then the true feelings of insecurity and that “something is missing” returns. And let’s face it, when they look back, will your kids remember their second or third cell-phone you bought or the Saturday afternoon you spent with them painting their bedroom?

Parenting by credit card attempts to compensate for real caring and action. And children quickly learn that focusing on material possessions is the way to soothe pain or replace feelings of inadequacy. Credit cards and cash handouts are becoming the equivalent of pacifiers for our children. We are losing the sense of what really provides pride, fulfillment and wholeness. Parents need to find ways of feeling good about themselves without the materialism and role model this to their children. It is time to get out of this vicious cycle. When I ask parents what keeps them from saying “no” and encouraging delayed gratification with their children they often respond with fear. Parents are actually afraid their child won’t love them as much if they say “no” to that next purchase. This is especially prevalent in divorced and remarried/blended families where children can play one parent against the other initiating an escalation of purchasing that has no end. Meanwhile the child does not feel good about themselves in this manipulative and dependent role within the family.

The next time you reach for your wallet or purse to purchase something that you and your child knows is not really a need, ask yourself what need inside yourself is trying to be fulfilled? Chances are both you and your child are probably searching for the same thing: to feel important, worthwhile and loved.

Children need discipline and actually do not mind being guided through the landmines you have already encountered. It is not a bad thing if children hear the word “no” more often when spoken in context and with clear meaning. In this current environment any and all opportunities to work and earn money themselves will benefit our children by providing structure, solid economic lessons, and increased self-esteem. Volunteer work is also invaluable for demonstrating the difference between want and need.

Good old-fashioned allowances in exchange for consistent effort around the home help develop a work ethic and an understanding of the value of money. Children at age five are quite capable of contributing to daily chores such as picking up and putting belongings away. They need to feel like they are giving back, developing self-respect and a feeling of accomplishment. Watch a two year old interact with their parent and you will hear the phase “Look Mom/Dad I did it!” clearly demonstrating that true happiness and joy comes from personal achievement. This is the biggest gift we can give our children besides our time; a feeling of internal security not external gratification that promotes entitlement.

Our success is ultimately determined by how our children perform in our absence so begin today by establishing relationships that engender respect and responsibility. Rewards, monetary or otherwise, can follow. Remember parents are a source, an origin and a cause. As such, let us stop parenting by credit card because sooner or later the emotional bill will come due with very high interest rates.

About the Author:
Lois offers a compassionate approach to counselling that considers the needs of the whole person. She encourages individuals to become aware of their underlying feelings and needs and to use this information to develop more healthy ways of living. She works with clients experiencing depression, low self-esteem, divorce, loss, anxiety, anger and issues related to trauma and forgiveness. In her work with families Lois works with teenagers and their parents to develop a closer connection and respectful communication. She is especially interested in working with mothers and adolescent daughters and the complexities found in this relationship. Lois is the mother of three teenagers and is constantly trying to practice what she preaches and know first hand that parenting of teenagers brings endless challenges and the need for support.

Lois can reached via e-mail at lois@bamfordmyerswilkie.com