Ten Tips for Parents of Teenagers
Lois Wilkie, M.A., CCC
Individual and Family Counsellor

1. Remember that a great deal of teenage behavior reflects a phase that they will get through with lots of parental love and support.

2. A teenager’s developmental task is to move away from their parents and separate to develop their own identities but they cannot accomplish this without, at the same time, feeling close to you. It is a painful paradox for both of you.

3. Your teenagers care about you. When asked what they would like to change in their family I am often told (especially by teen girls): “I wish mom would take better care of herself.” A parent who does not practice self care does not help a teen’s self esteem. Take time for yourself.

4. Keep a sense of humor but remember that all “issues” are relevant and it is important to avoid lecturing (“you don’t know what the real world is like – I wish I had your problems”).

5. Teens are often emotional about things. Expect emotional outbursts and realize they are just as frustrated and need a calming, supportive, rational parent.

6. When in the heat of an argument with your teen try not to escalate – defuse the situation – walking away for a timeout yourself is a good idea. Like any relationship, once you realize it is not about “winning”, conflict is reduced.

7. Teenagers often do not feel listened to. When they reach out to us we often want to advise, fix, discount their feelings and then communication shuts down. Take the time to really listen to what they are saying and use the valuable communication skill of empathy.

8. A strong parental bond is the best defense against negative peer influences (sex, drugs and alcohol). Make time to eat meals together as much as possible, teenagers need this and other bonding rituals.

9. Get them to unplug from technology (easier said than done!) and rediscover physical activity, face-to-face (not Face book) interaction and important personal reflection time.

10. Remember if your teen yells “I hate you” they are really unhappy with themselves and are seeking sustained guidance.

And a bonus one:

11. Celebrate good behavior and good times so they can draw on those emotions and memories when times are more challenging.